#i did the bare minimum because it's late and brain can't work and i just really wanted to post it :(

[annoyedlord]

your honnor they gay (x)

[adore-gregor]

my perception of grades totally changed since i started uni

[kanmom51]

JM Choreography practice BTB

A little late to the table here, been MIA for a couple of days, so I'm playing catch-up at the moment.

Before I touch on JK's visit, just wanted to mention JM's work ethic again.

We talk about it, JK talks about it, Suga talks about it, and here we see it once again. Man gives his all and above. Spending hours on end practicing the choreography.

When we were talking about just how busy JM was, when JM was saying he's been working day in and out, making his way home in the wee hours of the morning to sleep and back to work in the past couple of months, this is what he was doing. JM gives it his all.

Now to JK's visit.

I will start by saying that my gut tells me we probably wouldn't be seeing this if not for JM dropping JK visited him during the practice in his live. It is what it is.

And even though we got to see them together, we got the bare minimum highly edited and cut to almost nothing. It is what it is.

The little that we got to see was awkward, subdued, cautious. Super cautious. It is what it is.

With all of that said, the tone of voice, the eye contact, the lingering looks, the hand holding. It is what it is.

So, even then, or perhaps somewhat because of all of the above, there was no mistaking just how different their interaction is.

It is what it is.

Clearly, to whoever has a brain, these two are ok.

So why did it feel so weird? Why did it seem so different than Hobi's visit to the MV set?

First of all, we were given practically nothing. We didn't see JK arrive, nor JM's reaction to his arrival (thinking back to previous BTB's - MV shooting BTBs - did we ever not get the initial reaction at arrival when another member showed up to cheer or support?). We got less than a minute of JK's visit, just a few seconds of actual Jikook interaction. Lots of cutting and editing going on.

This was one of those interactions that you need to watch and rewatch to notice what's going on, what's said, how it's said. And getting K-army's perspective here was super important too.

I'm assuming everything I'll be bringing up here has already been mentioned, given I'm a couple of days behind here. Still, I thought I'd put them all together while giving my perspective on them.

Let's start with JM's beanie. The too big on him beanie.

Not only do they either have the same beanie each or share the one, but they also seem to wear it similarly?

I'm kind of betting on the same shared beanie option given how ever so big it is on JM.

JK showed up at the practice, first time we see him he's sitting down watching and talking to JM.

As I mentioned, no footage of JK's arrival and their initial interaction. And clearly this isn't the start of their conversation.

The full interaction at this point:

This is where it feels really awkward. Perhaps the camera shoved in their faces, knowing they have to be cautious.

Also, JK insisting JM to show him the choreo.

Actually, what JK said was: "do it (for me) once".

This is JK saying to JM: "no, do it once more for me". No honorifics, no filters, just a boyfie excreting his boyfie rights.

JK, he has his way of telling JM just how much he is there for him:

Sometimes we need to be reminded:

JM asks JK not once, but twice to come again.

That no from JK. That wasn't a no, not for reals. Lol.

That was JK being his natural teasing/flirting self with JM. That was the same JK we saw here:

Even with the hat and mask, those eyes of his are such a tell.

Yes they were subdued. JK even more so. Yes, it felt a little stiff and awkward, like the two were either out of practice how to behave in front of the cameras when together or it's the dancers there that they felt they had to hold back or the two combined.

And yet, with all of that, JM found his way to JK's jewels.

I can't help but wonder if the camera really didn't catch it all or if this was some good editing going on. My bet is on the editing, lol.

Not first time we've seen JM go for the jewels.

I want to end this post sharing something that might not be too popular, but me being me, I felt the need to be honest with y'all.

Seeing this BTB left me very sad.

I know I was supposed to be overjoyed finally getting the two in one frame, something we've been deprived of for months, but it left me with a bitter sweet taste in my mouth.

Seeing how held back they both were, more so JK, how cautious and subdued they were, it just hit me hard.

Even more so when I had something to compare with - Hobi's visit.

How open and happy and touchy and just free they were, as opposed to how cautious and subdued and awkward JM and JK were. JM and Hobi's interactions getting over twice the screen time. Hobi's arrival and initial interaction not edited out.

It's not that I haven't known for a long time now that these two, that from end of 2020 through the end of 2021 made strides towards opening up the door to the closet, if you will, with more and more stretching that rubber band, loosening it up, pushing the boundaries more and more, have been pushed back deep into that closet.

By circumstances, by the company, by choice (? I think not really).

And seeing their interactions here and how sanitized they were, by themselves and by the editors, it made me sad.

At least they had the hand holding to fall back onto.

And the eye contact.

We know they know each other thru and thru. We've seen at times how they speak to each other, not a word exchanged.

Oh, how I wish I knew what they were conveying to each other.

And that lingering look of JM's.

We saw you Jiminah.

We saw you!!!

[yakuzacanons]

Hi! I hope you've been faring well as of late <3 If you're not too busy, perhaps some continuation off my previous ask of being a subordinate with a massive crush on Majima as the Patriarch? Thank you so much for answering that btw! It was so great to read.

SCREEEEEEEEE CCCCH yes this has been stewing in my brain for days on end, I am sorry to make you wait so long. I go insane and black out when I think of Majima, it's an incurable illness probably. Here ya go!

Also this is totally open ended for a part 3 if you so desire, did it on purpose just in case y'all wanted it teehee.

After some amount of time, it kinds of becomes a stalemate. Majima keeps trying to find the most subtle, wraparound, complicated ways to sniff out what your feelings are and you get so good at deflecting it that it's second nature.

In reality, you are both two peas in a pod, two fools I should say. Neither of you are willing to give up your stubborn act which only makes you both dig your heels in harder. If you were to ask Saejima, who by the way totally knows everything, he'd say you guys are made for each other.

Inside, Majima is seething (in a cute way, not an enraged way if that's possible; perhaps only possible for someone like him, honestly...) He'll eventually break and tell Saejima or even Kiryu everything and ask what he should do and they'll both just shrug and ask him why he hasn't just straight up asked you what your feelings are, which only upsets him more.

In the meantime, your time spent closely with Majima means you get taken on way more important missions and have more important tasks. There's some office gossip starting to float up that the two of you are screwing... how embarassing given that you two haven't even hugged yet!

Unlike you, if Majima ever hears someone so much as utter a rude word about you, they are at the bare minimum receiving a stern smack on the head... with a very large and heavy object.

It's actually through this that Majima realizes... he cares about you?! And not just in a boss-looking-out-for-his-trusted-employee way. If a fight breaks out while you guys are working, his first concern is covering you. When a problem arises, he confides his concerns in you.

Now the man's realizing it's less about finding out if you're into him for fun and more finding out how you feel about him because, as embarassing as it sounds, there's a part of him that desperately and intrinsically NEEDS to know this information.

Years and years of going solo, quite literally a lone wolf, has made him tough as hell but that means his heart is softer than ever. Can he REALLY ask you what you think of him? Is that selfish?

Meanwhile, you've grown to really treasure these moments with Majima where he lets his guard down a little. In close calls during fights, you've seen the way he's looked at you and it almost makes you wish you were in close calls more often, if not for the fact it stresses him out so much.

Now it's less of a cat and mouse game for you two and more of a genuine relationship. He can start to be himself around you and to his surprise that feels... good. When you're out sick or busy on an errand, he finds himself smoking alone on the rooftop, peaking down at the city below wondering if he can spot you in the crowd.

Little does he know, you're looking out for him too from down below. As you wander the streets with your fellow coworkers, you can't help but wonder if he's up there right now, his watchful eye looking out for you like an angel on your shoulder.

[luetta]

kinda wanna block every single person who i follow or follows me and start anew. i hate what my tumblr feed is now. its all fucking horny transposting and shitty online memes. it makes me feel so fucking stupid and vapid that is what i've curated my tumblr into being ... it just feels lame. if i was another person and i looked at luetta's blog, i wouldn't follow it. there's no analysis on media i like, any media that does appear is through a transgender lens. no aesthetics, just lewdness. and of course thinking about all of this, instead of just not giving a fuck about how my own personal blog is perceived, makes me feel like an idiot also. who gives a fuck? someone who still craves validation from others like a friendless little child, that's who. this website gives me dysphoria. and that's fucking cringe. i'm so lame. i'm a cookie cutter trans girl. blahaj and :3 and xdf htskligyterwuik girwa htuirog8yreabiraejk WHO FUCKING CARES WHAT SUBCULTURE YOU FIT INREGYT0IUTREHY 9E8TYU OJHTERYSU8YTERWMS8N 76E50W9TRW0 97Bwhat am i fucking even saying. i'm literally substanceless. i have no depth whatsoever. i've read no books. i've watched no movies. i've travelled to no places. i've experienced so little. i've literally done 1 single fucking thing in my life and that's figure out 6 years too late that i'm trans. woopdie doo. i did the bare minimum of introspection that comes with being a human. this is real life, i have to do more than that. i can't just sit in my room doing fucking NOTHING forever. i just need to suck it up and get a proper job and interact with people instead of just being content with doing nothing and fading away and then one day turning 40 and realising i've done nothing at all with my prime years. why is my brain so 9uhfeargu8io sdefrgu hypigfsd8dgsfht sgdftj puist ghreiouoy erthgt43qghrlyuv4qetwyulo4v53q2khglyiv354oiuy why do i just fucking keep on thinking about things it never fucking stops. there's never a single moment of respite from thinking about shit. i fucking hate my country, i just want weed to be legalised so i can do edibles every night and not have to fucking think constantly. but nooo i have to live in a fucking .... okay just going to stop typing because it's fucking cringe like every other opinion i have. you know what im going to type about instead? my ex-friend tom. you're a fucking piece of shit. why did you do this shit man? i don't fucking get it. literally what did i do for you to decide "i don't want to ever utter a SINGLE FUCKING WORD to you ever again". like what? we literally were connecting at such a deep friendship level. you pretty much came out to me when i came out to you. we hugged so tightly when we watched the succession finale together. and then you just fucking went AWOL. and yeah i get that you got addicted to benzos and went to rehab. but like ....... why does that mean you don't want to be my friend anymore? idk. i probs did something wrong because i'm a fuckup with fluctuating feelings and did something when i was in a 'fuck this guy' mood. urgh. idk. all my friends right now are cool but i still haven't found someone who shared so many similar interests as me. you're just a cunt to do this shit and make me have to get over you without any closure. i fucking hate myself. i just want to be someone else. throw all my belongings into a big fire and burn it up. go on a manic spree and fuck up my life. life just sorta sucks doesnt it? the fact that you have to work a fuckton and give away your body and time just so you can do things you want to do. i have dreams that ill never achieve probably. because i can't fucking do work. also my fucking boss is fucking dodging me about taking on more shifts than 1 every 3 weeks so i guess theyve fucking fired me. time to not be able to be on government support anymore !! because i need to work in order to keep it apparently !! good system. the purpose of a system is what it does. it wants you to suffer and die for not being a normal tall white man who works 10 hours a day in the auto shop. i hate everything i see. i'm unhappy.

[rankuros]

it's so frustrating when you say "there is something wrong with me/my brain" and well meaning people who care about you but are clearly able to function respond with something that ends with "i guess i just learned to push through it" there's no way we're having the same experiences. i'm sorry. that can't be it. if everything was this hard for everyone i would not be so far behind. it actually feels worse that nobody agrees anything is wrong because if there's nothing wrong then i just suck. is that it? i really am just that lazy or stupid or what? i would rather someone said yeah that's weird, you're weird and there IS something wrong with you!

i wish it would get worse so i could say i told you so instead of dragging myself through a really shitty attempt at the bare minimum every day and then feeling like i can't possibly do it again tomorrow because it was way too hard. today i arrived 38 mins late to work, in jeans, sucked at my job, had zero appointments and did almost no work. literally could not have done worse and it was still too much apparently because it's 6pm and i feel like i need to go to bed

[73647e]

hey it's piano anon here to rant about life 😔 (it is all piano related though)

Just my brain short circuited lmao it's actually been more than 10 years I've been doing piano.

I hate playing piano so much I honestly can't imagine how you enjoy it. I mean, it's good you enjoy it, but it's been constant misery for me for as long as I can remember. When I was little I would fight with my parents about it nearly every day and now I force myself to practice but I hate it so much. Pretty much the only reason I can force myself is that I got permission to practice in a local church, so it's a way to get out of the house.

I have to be good at it because I'm pressured into doing the exams every year and I have to pass them. But I would be way better if I actually liked playing. I'm basically "bare minimum for my level" good but I'm in level 9 now :/ (I know that means nothing lol since there's so many different level systems but. trust me on this one)

My teacher is. complicated. She's the best teacher in the area but she's not good at being nice to her students lol. She would routinely make me cry until I stopped being capable of crying (which. 😬😬). I still want to cry tho

My older brother picked piano to learn when he was little and when I was old enough to have basic motor skills my mom signed me up too. Notice: my brother got to pick, I did not. My parents like to laugh how they had to bribe 3-year-old me to sit down and practice but basically that they forced me to play it because it's my mom's favorite instrument and also my brother picked it.

My brother is actually really good. Because he loves it. When he was 10 and I was 8 he played Wedding Day at Troldhaugen (and won international prizes for it) and I remember mostly being secretly upset about it because I wanted to be able to play it (and feeling really bad about being kind of jealous). (Whenever I hear that piece even now I nearly have a heart attack.) I tried so hard to like piano so many times over the years, but I just hate playing it. I've got nothing against other people playing it, I like quite a lot of piano music (except the overplayed ones lmao, I hate fur elise).

And like obviously the worst parts are learning new stuff and practicing but I hate performing too. I'm shaking the whole time and have to think about not only the million different things to play well but also like my facial expressions and stuff and like all the examiners and my teacher say i'm very Musical but piano does Not come naturally to me. I've improved at sight reading lately but my brain works in melodies, not chords and two separate hands and stuff. And I can't just learn how to make my brain work like that.

When I was 9 we played recorder at school. It's usually kind of an infamous childhood experience but I LOVED it. Long story short I was really good at it and loved it and since then I've badly wanted to play a woodwind. Flute specifically. But my mom makes fun of (pretty viciously) literally every other musician. Strings, because it's "squeaky". Brass, because it's "goofy". Drums, because she thinks they have dumb jobs. etc, etc. She's like that about everything though. I used to do piano competitions (my brother still does) and like everyone is a piano player there but 90% of the kids there are asian (we're not) and she's extremely racist about it and i'm just there trying to be grateful that at least she's not saying stuff like that in english.

Last year I tried to learn guitar. At zero cost to my parents. I found some pretty good free online lessons and used my dad's old guitar. Which was absolutely huge on me. I had to bend over it weirdly to reach the strings and it was so big on me it was hard to stretch my fingers to the chords lol. I tried to hide what I was doing but it's kind of hard to hide a whole large guitar. My dad was fine with it initially but my mom got really mad at me for wasting time and that I should be focusing on school and stuff and then my dad got mad at me too. I haven't touched it since.

If my parents would actually support it I'd definitely ask to try flute since I've wanted to for the last 4 years BUT not only would they probably not let me, if it didn't go well they would never let me do anything again and constantly use it against me. Also they would probably make me drop piano to do it (which yes i hate it buuuut I love music and piano is all I have since they also made me stop the singing lessons I was allowed to take for like 1 month and I've also been doing it forever so I'm kind of scared to lose it. if that makes sense.)

(disclaimer by the way. I am aware my writing tone in this whole thing is awful but I'm too tired to go edit it I'm so sorry )

hey piano anon!

from what you’ve said, you’re an amazing pianist and i am thoroughly impressed. i don’t perform or have fancy levels to categorize my playing, i just play for myself most of the time, and that’s enough.

but from what you’ve said, i don’t think you hate piano, but that you hate the environment in which you were raised with piano. first off, your mom kinda sucks, ngl. like i don’t like her. any parent that tells their kid that their hobby or experimentation (like your guitar playing, keep it up btw!) is useless, futile, a waste of time etc., just sucks all around. not to mention the stuff you said about the racism. rancid! but i think the competitive and rigid environment that you grew up in with your brother is the reason why you don’t like piano. from what you’ve told me anon, these issues run deeper than, “i hate piano”, and i would advise doing some reflecting and getting some psychiatric help if it’s available. it’s nice to talk to someone about stuff like this rather than deflecting it with not like piano.

as for your other musical forays, i say keep them up to the best of your ability! keep practicing that guitar, and maybe even ask your dad for help with it if it’s possible! i actually play flute as well, so i was pleasantly surprised to see that you’re attached to that specific woodwind! being a flutist is the music world equivalent of being a horse girl, and it’s absolutely wonderful. i’ve been playing flute since 5th grade, and out of all the instruments i know, it’s been the easiest to master once you get a feel for the technique. perhaps your church has someone who knows how to play and wouldn’t mind showing you some stuff?

anyway, keep everything musical up! always! music is one of the ways that people are able to stay sane, and it saddens me whenever someone violently doesn’t like one aspect of it, for whatever reason. take care anon! and you’re welcome to talk about piano with me literally anytime!

[chickenpeep77]

In a dream there was this swordsman game but at the same time it was not a game but 'real life'. (I guess I could compare it to digimon maybe?) And there was this event going on with fighting other players and playing mini games. I did like the bare minimum and only got enough points to get the first tier prize at level 15 or 16. And there was this corporate guy saying to me that if I spent real money I could get further prizes without working for it. I was like nah. He was upset that I wasn't giving into micro transactions and was content with the simple thing I got. It was a spiked hammer with an increased critical hit rate btw. Got upset when I told him I might just sell it for some reason.

Changed my mind on stopping there because I didn't have anything better to do, so I continued collecting points. Now since this game was also 'real life' at the same time it meant people were actually running around with swords. Since my dumb brain is full of anxiety, it regularly tries to give me traumatic scenarios in dreams. So this guy was about to attack this chicken coop, but I was like nah you can't do that. So I killed his character over and over and over again and finally forced him to join my team to win more points for me. I was playing as my Marx (Kirby au) as I often do, btw, so I was kinda overpowered.

Won up to the 99th level in points, and turns out in order to access the last reward at level 100, you have to buy a membership. Guy offered me a membership to buy. All enthusiastic salesman about it. I was like nah. Was so angry looking at me content with the cool prizes I had already won. I remember getting a castle home, and some cows. He was so angry him and his colleagues conspired and sent this powerful boss from further into the game past a membership/pay real money point at me. It was a hay golem above my level. It was supposed to have obliterated me, assuming I just had some basic weapons, but they had no idea who the heck they were dealing with. I simply spammed it with my fire breath he didn't know I had (probably counted as cheating but he cheated first) until it was slain and I reaped the high level rewards.

Side thing that happened at one point: Some secret lore about my Marx (Kirby au) is that he's got beef with the greys. So he sees them trying to abduct someone and he's like heck no not on my watch. He sprouted his wings and initiated a boss battle with their ship, destroyed it and rescued the guy.

Also at the beginning of the dream when I wasn't quite aware that I was dreaming yet and I saw one of those both halves human centaurs I was freaking out about it, not because it was a human human centaur, but because it had a face similar to my late grandma so I was like hey wait a minute that can't happen. Later found it and its family; apologized and told them centaurs are cool. Traumatic twist is that these were due to crazy mutation with a high child mortality rate. Thank you dreams. Very cool.

[diariesofapisces]

I Am Back Tracking.

Yesterday felt like the days I used to have freshman year. I was high three different times, I didn't do any work I was supposed to and instead hung out with friends, I got triggered when my friend said she couldn't hang out with me, took three edibles at night when I should have been asleep, I was vaping all day, I was fantasizing about him, and I did my depression night routine. It feels like shit today and I felt like shit yesterday. I don't want to ever feel like I felt last year. Some things are going to need to change. I also made a stupid decision that has really fucked up my money situation. I could sit here and feel sorry for myself and ask why things never go right for me, but this is my fault. I chose to spend money I don't have instead of managing what I have, I chose to accept my friend's vape and use it all day, I chose to get high, and I chose not to do my homework. I let myself get this bad and only I can make it better. I felt horrible when I used to live like this every day and I will not live like that again. I have to set boundaries so this never happens again. Today I will get all my drawing work done, do the math for the lab, play out all my assignments, and then do the dishes. I also want to do some creative things to keep my brain working but let myself take a break. I want to get ahead as I can today but if I just complete the bare minimum I will accept that. I really messed up but it's never too late to turn it around. It doesn't matter how low you go it's about your ability to turn it around. I need to sit with this as long as I can and try to do what I can without more money. This won't last forever and I'll be home soon with a whole different set of problems and upsides. When you go home don't let it stop you but use it to your advantage. I don't want to expect too much for myself. This happens a lot. something like this happens and I make too big of promises for myself and when I obviously can't of those things I get worse. I am not gonna make any long-term promises so I will take it day by day, because I know I can't change overnight.

[codenamesazanka]

Warning: Rant, character bashing, lots of opinions

I'm saying it outright. I hate Deku. He is entirely underwhelming as a character, much less as the main character, the shonen protagonist of the series.

It's a 'different' type of dislike, though. I feel like I could've like his character. There's nothing greatly disagreeable about him, he's as inoffensive as can be, he's an optimistic, considerate, and polite boy, he's as plain as he is said to be, and that's fine.

My issue is that he's not the character he's said to be. I, personally, just don't buy that he "possesses a drive to save others that eclipses all common understanding", or that he's super intelligent with great analytical abilities that he actually applies on the battlefield, or, in general, he's as amazing or heroic or compassionate as he's apparently supposed to be. How can he be inspiring if he barely challenges any aspects of the society he lives in. Deku is a super good example of the terrible use of "Tell, Don't Show". We're told about his amazing traits, but he rarely follows through; when we do see hints of it, it's lauded but frankly I think it's typical behavior and (this though is not quite his fault) written so stiffly and awkwardly I'm not convinced.

(Honestly I might even call him a Canon Mary Sue. He has no interesting or distinguishable flaws, unless having a shit for brains attitude is one but that's not acknowledged by the narrative. Breaking bones is not a personality trait. If he has a Hero Complex, it's not even the interesting ones where he fucks things up even more; or carries crippling guilt about circumstances beyond his control; or focuses completely on saving people to the point of rejecting almost all human connections and keeping deadly secrets - which is All Might's big flaw.) (Well fair, he does this in the most recent chapter but did it need to take 300+ chapters? Plus I sense the way it's framed is that it's the radical, but right course of action.)

Say what you want about Villains and redemption/shouldn't be redeemed/too evil to be saved/justice/etc, but I think this 'Incredible Drive To Save' should've included Villains from the start. Why does Deku want to "Save people with a smile on his face"? Assuming it's empathy, he should have felt some towards everyone he encounters, whether it's sensible or not. "Why are you so angry?", "You shouldn't go about things this way", "What caused them to be like this?", "Why is there evil in the world?" even. I'm still fuming over his Mall Encounter with Shigaraki, where Shigaraki pretty much reveals his damage: "All Might acts like there's no one he can't save"; but ultimately Deku goes "Wow, that sure is an opinion."

What kind of inane response is this??? There's little pushback from the narrative either, so this isn't pointed out as a failing of his (because, again, he has no big flaws). And he's supposed to be smart and caring. Yes, he does ask All Might right after the Mall Encounter, "Was there anyone you can't save?"; but essentially the replies he gets is "Don't worry about it" and Deku immediately largely puts it out of his mind "Oh whew, I was about to do some introspection and reflection". There isn't even the daunting, kinda-existential anxiety that people get when they realize it's impossible to save/help everyone - which is something, like, medical workers have to learn to deal with - that sharp sense of the inevitably of death, of loss, failure, guilt. I'm not asking for him to come to the conclusion that everyone should be saved - he could've decided nah, Shigaraki is too ugly to be saved and I would've been fine with that, it's part of the character role and potential development - just that he should've had a conclusion at all.

There are the latest chapters where Deku decides he wants to try saving Shigaraki first (though killing him is still on the table), true. Him wanting to save Shigaraki after seeing AFO merged with him, after seeing The Crying Child - but see, I don't think it qualifies because I think it's the bare minimum about of consideration, the typical response to seeing the body horror of warped, fused flesh, to seeing a small sad little boy. I think it shouldn't require "You look like you needed saving" for a true Hero to consider saving someone. Not for someone who is supposed to be unique and special in this regard.

*

I've complained about this before, but the trouble with Deku was evident from the very beginning.

Again, Deku wants to save people with a smile on his face, and again, I’m assuming it’s empathy. We're shown this on the very first page, as he attempts to protect a friend(?) from bullies, but imo like it felt groundless because who was the kid he was protecting? We never see him again. Did Deku's standing up to Bakugou work, and the kid was saved? Or did they both got beaten up; but afterwards, being the kind boy Deku is supposed to be, he still gets to his feet to help the boy, to apologize for failing.

But more significantly, this theme of saving was overshadowed immediately by his focus on superpowers - that he was quirkless. Next page, his focus was on ‘Woah, giant villain and superpowers!’ Instead of like. Helping people. (Though I chalk this up to early installment weirdness)

What should’ve happened if the theme was ‘SAVE PEOPLE’ Is something like: The opening sentence being “People are not born equal. This is the harsh truth I learned when I was four. I knew that... but despite my powerless, I still wanted to help. That was my first and last setback.” And the panels/images themselves (of little Katsuki and his friends) implies that people on the world thinks you need power to help people.

When he saw the villain attack on way to school, Deku can be wow’ed by the spectacle! But then he notices a kid crying and offers to help find his mom. He can be interrupted by a Hero saying he (the hero) will take over, he can find the mom and realize he’s late for school (and so that shows he’s willing to sacrifice something of his to help others! Because of his altruistic nature!). A scene like that, of him helping the lost kid, we would know that he wants to help *anyone*. At school, though, he still gets bullied for not having powers. So he’s mulling over that when he meets All Might, and asks the question.

It proceeds as usual for the next few events: When the sludge monster attacks Katsuki, he can still go gawk at the scene. He can still hesitate. In canon, it's only when he realized the victim was his friend that he jumps into action, which I thinks undermines the theme of 'wanting to save indiscriminately'. IMO, it would've been better that Deku sees it’s his friend, but he still hesitates. “There’s nothing I can do right? All Might himself said so...” But when he sees Katsuki’s *face* of fear, he runs to help. Instead of seeming like he helps only because he realizes it’s his friend, he helps because he feels too deeply about trying to save Katsuki.

Admittedly these are minor, personal critiques; but all in all, the first chapter fails to establish Deku is the willpowered, champion of wanting to save people he's supposed to be.

--Which is fine, if it's acknowledged in the story later, that maybe he wasn't the True Blue Hero he's supposed to be at first, but he can change and still become one. But it's not - Deku is apparently special, without anything special to show for it.

*

I read the one-shot "My Hero" - the prototype for this series - that Horikoshi published years ago, before My Hero Academia was created. I also found it underwhelming, but that was due to personal tastes (I wanted more explosions and dumb violence); as a story on it's own merit, the logic and progression was solid.

The Villains Heroes fought were 'Aberrations' - true inhuman monsters that showed no sentience that would eat people - so the focus could be solely on saving humans. The main character - Jack Midoriya - his original goal was less 'save people' and more 'become a cool hero', before learning that saving people is what true heroism is about, hero license unneeded. (Moreover, he really did 'save' someone without being a hero - by working hard, he was preventing the company from becoming ruined completely, which the CEO had confessed and thanked him for. )

This version of Midoriya didn't exactly needed deep empathy or compassion for that, just a strong willpower, which he effectively demonstrated by chasing after a childhood dream even as an adult salaryman in a tanking company, even though he had anemia and no training and no license. He insisted on this, to the point of getting hurt by being dumb, of being petty over someone dissing the Hero who inspired him in the first place, of skipping out of work and going vigilante. Not the most upstanding guy, but he came through in the relevant themes of the story, in being the character the story needed him to be.

Jack Midoriya was an unimpressive, weird-looking, weak, pitiful, somewhat selfish, awkward salaryman with no great aspects that 'eclipses all common understanding'. But he was a far stronger character than his incarnation Izuku Midoriya could ever be (so far).

[luminous-studiess]

Ummm so I'm new to tumblr so don't judge if I did something wrong.Ummm how can I be like you? Like you know? Productive and smart.I always push myself but ended up being distracted by things (I have adhd and depression).I can't even remember anything after.I suffer,and continue suffering, from my mental illnesses.I just can't keep myself on track.My family makes fun of me for trying.I'm actually trying to find a part time job here but nothing hires minors.Idk please help meee.

hi, friend! answer under the cut because this will be long. 

please know you’re doing nothing wrong, and that the fact you keep trying to become better and to push yourself to always get things done despite difficult circumstances already shows that you ARE already productive and smart. 

second, it also helped me when i was struggling very heavily last year to learn  two things: 1) there will always be particularly bad days when you live with mental illness, but all the little efforts you take, it slowly does get less difficult. getting better does not mean completely getting rid of all the symptoms you experience, but mostly just learning the best ways and small, gentle things you can do for yourself to manage your condition. this really requires a gentle but firm balance between pushing yourself to do the things you absolutely need to do, but also knowing when what level of work/school/self-care or hobbies is the limit, so that you don’t get too overwhelmed.  this means most of the time, you don’t have to worry about being productive for its own sake. it helps me when i feel like i’m drowning to know how little i can do/the most non-negotiable bare minimum, that still helps me not to fall behind.

^ this is a small, cheap pad of sticky notes i carry with me throughout my entire day. it’s only big enough so that i can only write a few school tasks/personal things i need to do/chores, which helps me evaluate what exactly i can only get done, especially on days where i don’t feel well. checking off absolutely everything on my tiny list makes me feel like i’ve accomplished a lot, because i i have-- they aren’t necessarily a lot of tasks, but they’re the ones that i know really do need to get done. it also helps me focus when i have a lot of nervous energy, and have a panicked sense of “so many things need to get done!!!?” because i can give myself a bit of time to sit down, maybe turn on an episode of a show i like or make some coffee, and write down my tasks. it really helps me with the faint, tiny guilt and dread i used to feel day by day that i was being unproductive or lazy, because now i know i’ve fulfilled all my obligations to myself (everything from doing laundry, to making dinner) and to other people (schoolwork and other tasks). it’s okay to move at the pace that’s only possible for you right now. it’s better to feel comfortable with the smallest things you can do, and build on that as the days come. 2) getting distracted is normal, given Everything Happening Right Now, plus with a mental health condition that makes it hard to focus. it can also be hard to remember things when i study, because of my own health conditions, but i’ve found that the following things have helped: regarding distraction - use a small system that keeps you from accessing any distractions when you need to get something done. i try to leave my non-essential device in another room, and set up a timer-based blocker, to limit the websites i access. - i try to acknowledge the distractions as they come, and try to figure out why: am i hungry? am i tired? have i gotten enough sleep? do i need a break? if it isn’t anything serious, i just acknowledge that i’ve gone briefly off-track-- without guilt, without judgment. then i try to turn my mind back to the task at hand. - a good ambient playlist can make me feel more focused during hard tasks in the sense that i have some form of stimulation to keep the “itchiness” at bay. video game soundtracks and film soundtracks are also wonderful for long, tricky tasks.  - sometimes i just have to start to feel motivated-- the focus actually comes in in the middle of the task. the fact of starting something may actually make you feel motivated.

- procrastinate productively: sometimes when i really don’t want to study i turn on a movie or a show and use the time to clean my room or fold laundry. my life still feels put-together, and i enjoyed myself! win-win.

- and sometimes i realize that focus may be impossible at the moment: take a break, go for a run, do something you like, take a nap.  regarding learning and remembering things i used to have the worst time recalling things for school, until i prioritized two things: SLEEP, and not cramming. i used to get extremely poor grades in my first year of law school because i would put off studying at the last and latest moment-- a few days before exams, pulling all-nighters right up until the hour the exam started. i would also just use my free time to scroll on social media, instead of taking a nap or going to bed early. this was absolutely wrong. during the exam, i couldn’t recall anything because i was too tired, too frazzled, probably didn’t have breakfast, and because i had started and finished half a semester of reading in one night. my grades have gotten much better lately-- i’d like to think it’s because i’ve centered it around two things: (a) getting enough sleep every single night (helpful ESPECIALLY if you have health problems-- mental or physical), and (b) making exam day the least stressful it can be. how do i do this? - this means not only learning things for the exam, but also for classes on a daily period. you don’t have to study particularly hard, but you just have to study enough that you can understand what the professor is saying in class. set definite study hours every day, stop at a very specific and reasonable hour, and go to bed. try to get at least 6 hours of sleep. sleep helps me absorb everything better (idk science but this is from experience and also some very smart people i know ALSO prioritize getting sleep). wake up at a reasonable hour.  - how to study: read the syllabus, and try to get a decent overview of all the topics you need to cover before you start testing/making flashcards/doing active recall (which is IMPORTANT bc this helps you actually train your brain to retrieve information). imho as someone low-energy i find that rewriting notes/making reviewers/making flashcards makes me very tired and leaves very little time for actual studying, so it just helps to test myself by looking at the syllabus and trying to explain the concept to myself, then peeking at the textbook or materials to see what i’m missing. mind-maps are also energy-efficient ways of figuring out how concepts fit together. - how to study for exams: the very latest you should start is a week ahead. two weeks ahead is ideal. map out how much information you need to re-learn from the syllabus. move slowly with the aim of finishing the coverage by the first week. the second is for reviewing and RESTING. - THE NIGHT BEFORE THE EXAM: do a final, gentle survey over the topics you may not understand. stop at 10 pm. go to sleep.  - EXAM DAY: you’ve done the work. take the time to eat breakfast, test yourself SLOWLY AND GENTLY (avoid reading huge chunks of textbook at this point-- youll only confuse yourself), and set up your workspace to take the exam. crush said exam. as a final note: it can be hard to get things done when the people closest to you aren’t supportive. try to reach out on studyblr and find discord study with me servers, or study communities on reddit (they’re actually really nice), or with students in your class. if you need to talk, just dm me. you can do this friend, okay? take care always. gentler days will come. 

[sweet-cynical-writer]

Zai's Notes: I heard my sweet daughter hasn't been feeling well lately. So I wrote her favorite! Hope you feel better soon, @soukokuwu (｡･ω･｡)ﾉ♡

Genre: Angst

Warnings: Death (Rachel's favorite)

Word count: 1k

You Made My Heart Stop

This was it. You were going to do it this time. Life has dragged you along far enough that you couldn't take another minute breathing. Nothing mattered in life to you from the moment you understood no one was tying you down to continue on. You carried the sweet innocent girl who would help anyone in need for so many years. Those years began to reflect in your mindset of how you viewed the world too. 

How people are so quick to take what they need and leave others alone in the dark. Then claiming they are helping others in return. So many ugly people who hold such entitlement to themselves just because they were once someone special to you. And it took a lot for you to lose your patience on anyone. But thanks to those in particular, part of you wishes you could just disappear so you don't have to deal with it.

The idea not only popped into your pretty little head, but that idea was tangible. You had plenty of time to achieve that sweet relief you wanted — what you needed most. And once you had it in your head, it wouldn't leave. It burned into your brain, making your heart race as your feet began to move on their own accord. This was the day, you thought to yourself. To think, you've contemplated this on numerous occasions and now you were finally carrying it out. 

There was no point in a suicide letter. You didn't care much for goodbyes or leaving notes. It would make the situation more messy and you considered it to be unnecessary to pour out feelings when you'll be gone in a few minutes anyway. Taking a final glance back at your beloved home with your boyfriend who was at work currently, you closed the door to the garage and opened the driver's side to climb inside to sit. 

The windows are all sealed tight and you are alone in the dimmed lit garage as you turn the key to ignite the engine. Your vehicle releases a low rumble and it begins to produce carbon monoxide. The key to the end of your suffering. All you had to do now was sit back and breathe in the toxins like air. Even as your heartbeat thumped against your chest uncontrollably, your palms were sweating at your sides — you felt at peace. 

Every ounce of strength you had left was fading fast. You felt utterly weak to even think of any last thoughts. The dizziness had settled in the first minute, making it difficult to breathe. But you didn't fight it. You refused to listen to your body trying to alert you that your life was in danger. A faint smile graced your lips as your vision blurred out into spots then dark. Absolute darkness. Then nothing. 

***

He loved you so much. The way you made his heart flutter was like a dream he never anticipated to come true. If you were still here with him, if he could have made it in time to save you — He would smother you in all the love he could give you and more. Chuuya had the habit of scolding you for being a little too friendly to everyone around you. At times it was out of jealousy, but more than half the time it was because he couldn't bare to see people take advantage of your warm heart. 

That sweet smile of yours was infectious to even some of the worst people he's ever seen. And yet there was something more — What did he fail to notice? You were always smiling, always laughing, always optimistic. A ray of sunshine that was more than willing to put aside your personal affairs to assist those in need. 

But there was more to you than rainbows and happy endings. They say the sweetest people who give the most, lost the most. Those who wear a smile every day are not always happy with their lives. And it took him too long to realize — to notice how you hardly frowned, how you wouldn't shed a tear in front of Chuuya except maybe the one time that he was injured from a mission. 

Were you internalizing your emotions this entire time? Why didn't you say anything to him? He clenched his fist then slammed it into the brick wall of your shared home. The foundation came crumbling down at his feet as if it were stacked like building blocks rather than cemented together. 

“Fuck, why did you have to leave me like this?! I can't keep going.. Why couldn't you leave me a note. Some sort of explanation… a good-bye at least..”

The red head was in anguish over your suicide. He blamed himself naturally, as it was his fault he didn't reach out. His fault that he couldn't do the bare minimum like tell you it was okay to not be okay. That he was here for you no matter what. Instead he went along with how you acted. Smiling carelessly as if nothing ever bothered you. 

He should have known better. And he constantly beats himself over the fact he thought it was perfectly fine that things were going a little too perstein. That your feelings only consisted of positivity and you didn't have a need for venting. Even when someone slapped you across the face you never raised a hand to anyone. When things were settled through talking, you wouldn't hold a grudge. In fact, you would continue to help that person if they ever needed a helping hand. 

And now that you were gone, he would never know what was eating at your happiness. Chuuya was left with the hopeless thoughts: I should have done more for you. How could I be so stupid to not see you weren't okay all the time? You deserved better than this. And most of all, he was sorry his love wasn't enough to keep you alive. With no closure to your planned suicide, he believed that he was that push to the edge — what destroyed your will to live in the end. 

[spicycreativity]

Fanfic Appreciation Week Day 7: A Place Where I Can Breathe

Yes, folks, I'm appreciating my own darn fanfic for the final day of Fanfic Appreciation Week because I worked really hard on it and it was a labor of love for/with one of my QPPs, my roommate, the man who got me into Sanders Sides: @\cadeorade-powercade (That's him in the aesthetic board)

Allow me to present the director's commentary for A Place Where I Can Breathe:

Content Warnings: All content warnings mentioned in the fic apply.

Chapter 1: I actually wrote this fairly late in the game. It's meant to serve as a prologue and orient the viewer in the universe, s opposed to staring on Chapter 2, which just throws the viewer in without context. I think it was a good choice, as it also allowed me to introduce the concept of the Sides having power focuses early on.

The Premise: Cade is a Virgil stan and he was getting frustrated looking for Virgil fic. He was finding a lot of stuff written without nuance by young authors, a sort of "by teenagers for teenagers" type deal. We are not teenagers, so we both have a hard time relating to that kind of teen angst fic, as we're not the target audience. So he asked me to write him a Virgil fic and we worked together to identify what plot he wanted, what the Mindscape looked like, and what quirks the Sides have. So a lot of this fic is quite gratuitous and self-indulgent

The Title: Lizzie McAlpine has a song called "Apple Pie" which includes the lyric "I've been running around trying to find a place where I can breathe." Apple Pie SCREAMS Moceit to me, and I had taken notice of the lyric and wanted to use it as the title for a Moceit fic. I didn't really have an idea beyond that, and when Cade asked me to write this fic, I realized it was actually perfect and summed up Virgil's inner struggle quite nicely. So cheers to "A Place Where I Can Breathe," the Moceit Fic That Wasn't

-Cade asked me specifically to include Virgil having a spider and I wrote nearly the whole fic without doing so, then had to go back and sprinkle some references in. I think I managed 2 total.

Chapter 2:

"Uh, how about I hold off on that until I actually see my room?" Virgil stared expectantly at Roman, who bounced on his toes. "Lead on, Macduff."

"That's not the line and you know it," Roman complained, but he turned to lead Virgil to his room. "It's ' lay on, Macduff,' and--"

-This fic was originally supposed to reach a climax with a confrontation between Remus and Roman, and "lay on, Macduff" would come back as a brick joke. Unfortunately, the original ending was a result of me getting tired and lazy, so I had to go back and fix it, and we lost the Roman-Remus confrontation.

It was hard for Virgil to not shudder at the sudden heat and weight on him. With his senses already open and taking in more information than his brain seemed to want to process, touch was an added stressor, more unwanted sensory input.

-Virgil being touch-averse is a direct shoutout to Cade, who is also touch-averse.

Roman had already transformed the living room: metallic streamers of purple and black stretched across the corners of the ceiling, and shiny balloons spelling out A-N-X-E-I-T-Y hovered above the TV.

-Upon first writing, Virgil had already given the upstairs crew his name, so the banner spelled out "VIRIGL" which is way funnier than "ANXEITY." But then his name reveal became a plot point so I had to go back and change it.

-Let! Virgil! Be! Mean!

-Virgil's line about hearing refrigerator noise when Roman talks is another shout-out to Cade, who has leveled that accusation at me

A small, cruel part of him protested at the idea that he would need special treatment and desperately wanted to throw it back in Patton's face. He wasn't a sweetheart, he wasn't a baby. He didn't need to crawl into a blanket fort with Dad just because he was a little stressed.

-Remus calls Janus "Janus Geminus" because I was tired and couldn't come up with a pun. "Geminus" is one of the Roman god Janus' epithets; another is "Pater" meaning "Father." That led to a conversation about Remus deliberately confusing Patton by calling Janus "Daddy," but I couldn't think of a clean way to fit the explanation into the narrative, so I stuck with "Geminus."

Chapter 3:

"There's nothing normal about that! " Roman stared in horror at the coffee massacre Virgil had orchestrated. What had once been a respectable (if not very tasty) cup of black coffee was now part of a 1:1 coffee to milk suspension, the liquid a tasteful shade of tan suitable for business casual trousers or a show-ready chihuahua.

-Cade is a certified Nightmare Man and came up with Virgil's horrifying coffee order after I asked him about it. Keep an eye out for Janus' equally horrifying coffee order later in the fic.

1) Shouts out the fact that Janus is canonically a Dostoevsky fan

Chapter 4:

Janus smiled at him. "Where reason fails, the Devil helps." He fussed with his gloves and straightened his capelet. "It's showtime."

-I fucking love Crime and Punishment. Look at me. Look at me. I fucking love Crime and Punishment. Janus' quoting Raskolnikov serves multiple purposes:

2) Lampshades the fact that Roman just conveniently happened to be alone in the living room, because I didn't want to waste time getting him there. That makes me, the author, the Devil

3) Foreshadows the impending disaster. When Raskolnikov says this line it is because he had planned to commit axe murder. The axe he was planning to steal had been moved, but he finds another, different axe to use. Raskolnikov messes up the murder and ends up killing an innocent witness in addition to his intended target. Janus messes up his manipulation attempt and ends up murdering Roman's self esteem

-I was going to include a reference to Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead (Remus' line "debauchery and vomit" was originally going to be "blood, love, and rhetoric") but I didn't because... Uh... Hm. Why didn't I do that. Maybe I just forgot about it???

-Roman is too stubborn to manipulate for long and that is a fact.

"I was pretty much done anyway," Remus said. "There's only so much debauchery and vomit you can fit into one story."

-Cade specifically ask me that nobody cry in this fic, but after I had Janus eviscerate Roman I knew he couldn't not cry a little. I kept it to a minimum because there's already a billion fucking fics about [literally any Side] crying on the shoulder of [literally any other Side] and it's really just not interesting to either of us.

-It didn't come up because it doesn't matter, but Thomas dreamed he was participating in the exact Dionysian orgy that took place in The Secret History because it's my fic and I said so.

Chapter 5:

He just sat back and watched and tugged at his hair while Janus spooned mound after mound of crisp white sugar into his mug and Virgil poured his customary eight fluid ounces of milk into his own mug.

-Cade strikes again. Virgil's coffee order is equal amounts milk to coffee; Janus' is equal parts sugar to coffee. He had asked me to include a scene where Roman catches Janus massacring his coffee and is appropriately horrified, but I uhh... Didn't write it. I still might include it as an omake someday.

-I imagine that Roman feels really strongly about dragons vs wyverns, and Remus just pretends to give a shit because he thinks it's funny to wind Roman up. Fortunately for me but unfortunately for my sense of realism in writing, I can't relate because I adore my sister and we get along perfectly almost 100% of the time.

"You shut us down every chance you get!" Remus said, baring his teeth. "How would you like it if your pens never wrote, hm? What would you do with all those thoughts in your head?"

-I do wish I had developed the concept of power focuses a bit more, established rules and such. Basically, Patton is always on the prowl for wrongthink and actively represses it, which in turn breaks or sabotages the Dark Sides' power focus.

Chapter 6: This chapter really should have been Janus and Roman but I was really tired and didn't want to bother with it. Plus, you know, Moceit. This chapter was meant to demonstrate how the characters would get along without Virgil nannying them. There's friction, but everyone is making a conscious, deliberate effort to get along because they love Virgil, and love is a series of choices you make.

I chose "Leo" as the answer for the answer to the crossword clue instead of "Virgo," because my other QPP is a Leo. She'll never read this fic, but I did it anyway because I love her. (Trivia: My sign is Virgo, so it was really a choice between shouting her out and shouting me out, and the last chapter is self-indulgent enough, thank you).

Chapter 7: I was gonna write a fic where all the Sides watched Cats the Musical because I was going through a phase. Then Cade requested this so I combined the two ideas. By this point I was fucking exhausted, and that's the only thing that saved you and the rest of the world from me writing the Sides riffing on the movie scene-by-scene. I could come up with snarky commentary for almost every, if not every single song from the movie.

Most notably, I cut a Patton-Remus interaction where Remus declares his love for Grizabella and Patton gets all staryy-eyed about Remus connecting with the idea of rising above rejection and being loved and accepted only for Remus to shoot him down and explain that he just likes that she got to die in a tire fire.

Other cut scenes include Janus quietly pretending not to go feral over Mister Mistoffelees, Patton full-on fucking sobbing over Grizabella and the kittens, and Logan experiencing a deep, soulful kinship with Munkustrap during Of The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollices (and henceforth introducing the phrase "like herding cats" into his regular vocabulary

[kae-karo]

[1] hi!! so idk if you've seen dan speaking at the mental health panel or not, but there was one part that hit me really hard and id love to know your thoughts on it! basically he was saying that often content creators, and people in general, are struggling with their mental health the most when it seems like they're thriving (uploading constantly, getting good grades, etc) but everyone thinks they're fine. which is literally my life rn but i can't take a break from overworking myself bc i need

[2] to get into college. do you have any advice abt how to provide for my future while still taking care of myself? also, i just want to thank you for running such a healthy and positive blog bc it has helped me thru some difficult times, and you seem like such a thoughtful and caring person!

hi dear! oh no :( I'm so sorry, that's such a hard position to be in - I havent been in school for a few years, and not in high school since 2012 yikes lmao, so I'm sure things have changed a bit but hopefully I can still give some advice that helps?

I'd say first and foremost, talk to a trusted adult you know in person about how you're feeling - whether that be a parent, older sibling, favorite teacher, advisor, etc. they may have advice more specific to your situation that might take into account details I dont know. and while this is my first piece of advice, it can also be the hardest? sometimes facing our demons and being honest about them with others who have only seen our "good side" can feel impossible, but it can be a crucial step to help build a support system that you can go to when you feel you're struggling

the next thing I'd say is, on a small scale, start taking time for yourself. I know that's like. the hardest thing to do when you have like 6hr of homework a night, minimum, plus clubs or sports or other activities that take time, but literally even sneaking five minutes between some bits of homework to do something that's calming and centering for you can make a difference - if you can grab five minutes to go sit in a space you feel comfortable, away from your work, to breathe and think about something other than your work, that can be helpful

the next one is sorta like. tangential, but take care of your body as well - you're still a growing and developing human, so this is ESPECIALLY important, but drinking lots of water (and not too many sugary drinks/chemical drinks) and eating veggies and getting enough protein can literally make such a big difference in your brains ability to function at it's best. the other important thing here is sleep - every body is different, so keep in mind what your body does best on and (when you can) aim for that. between hydration, good nutrition, and sufficient sleep, you're laying a foundation that can help your brain be more successful throughout the day

I wish, ultimately, i had a perfect answer for the fucked up school system (esp in America which is what I'm most familiar with), but it honestly sets you up to fail. what (unintentionally) worked well for me was having a blow-off class or two - classes that were easy for me (like sign language, or French 1 after I'd already taken Spanish for several years) and could help boost my GPA without stressing me out as much. if you can find those classes- and definitely look for the ones that are easy for YOU, don't just ask around for the easiest classes - that can be a really nice break in your day and help relieve you of some after-school stress

here's another "honesty is the best policy" situation - if you find yourself struggling to understand a concept, or homework is taking you so much longer than some of your peers (or the teacher says theres only an hour of hw a night and you end up spending far longer on it) talk to the teacher! tell them you're struggling, and ask if you can get some help understanding a topic. be specific about what you dont understand (dont just go "I dont get it") and explain your thought process - this can help teachers understand where you're veering off the path and what you might be missing. and, more importantly, if you're coming in for help, they're more likely to be lenient with you because they know you're trying (yes I'm aware that was more a "school help in general" bit of advice but in case that's something you're struggling with)

now heres....maybe some controversial advice. take calculated risks. example: if a teacher has a policy where they drop your lowest homework grade in a class and you're doing alright in that class, but you have a day where you're saddled with WAY too much work for another class where you're struggling, it's okay to say "okay, today I need to go to sleep by 10pm, I can either finish this difficult homework or complete homework for the class that will drop a grade", sometimes it makes more sense to skip that one homework and get a zero to spend time dedicated to the class you're struggling in and get rest. in a similar vein, there is also a limit to studying - there is a point where you physically cannot absorb more knowledge. it is so much better for your brain - both from a focus and memory standpoint - to get a little extra sleep than to stay up late studying well past the point where you will retain knowledge.

now....again, I havent been applying to colleges in ages so my advice might be a bit stale, but colleges tend to look for good grades but also challenging classes, or improvement over time in classes, etc etc. they want to know you're working hard, and that you have diverse interests. college apps are a bit like resumes honestly, except you cant lie about your GPA. but like. you can fluff everything else. literally EVERYTHING becomes fair game with college apps. you can talk about fanfic or a fandom you're in if you phrase it the right way, like there are barely rules lmao. and you can make yourself sound very appealing

so my advice would be basically this: work hard, but learn your personal limits. figure out how much sleep a night makes you feel awake and focused the next day (again, it varies!) and aim for that as much as you can. try to eat nutritiously when you can, and drink lots of water. dedicate time to your homework and studying, but be sure to take regular breaks and ACTUALLY shift your brain away from your work during those breaks. and it's also good to dedicate time to life activities - like I said, colleges want to know you're a diverse person. spend time in clubs you like or playing sports if that's your thing, or do things unconnected to school. and remember, you can fluff that all up on a college app! but also remember - you have to live with you for the rest of your life, and there are so so many paths to a good job or a college education if that's what you decide you want, be sure to prioritize your health as much as you can. the education system tricks you into this never ending cycle of "if I just push through ___________ I'll get to ___________!" and taking that through your life can be really challenging and exhausting. I need to acknowledge that some of this is easy for me to say - I was a good test taker in high school, I went to college, and I bullshitted my way through (that's a whole other story lmao) but like. I need to acknowledge that, by some privilege and luck, I do have a college education. so when i say this next thing, please take it with a grain of salt, but there is more to life than chasing what society tells us to chase - there is family, there are friends, relationships, hobbies and interests and love and dreams and spending hours playing video games and SLEEP and getting sunburned cause you spent too long out under the sun photosynthesizing and collecting pens or shiny rocks and ANIMALS there is so so so much in life and I hate with such a burning passion that, for the first 22 years of our lives, we are told the ONLY thing in life is getting through college, getting a degree. again, I need to acknowledge that I say that with a background of privilege, and that education can help people get out of bad situations, etc, but there are many paths to education and they dont all require you to put life on hold to get there

let me tell u a story real quick, cause my education looks (from the outside) "easy" (turns out I had depression and eating disorders of all kinds yeehaw !!!!). my sister did NOT have an easy time in school - my parents could afford it, so she had a tutor for some of her challenging subjects, but she also dealt with anxiety and depression the entire time. she didnt get into the college she wanted to, but got put in a sort of program where, if she got good enough grades in some community college courses, she could get into the school. so she worked her ass off, dove even deeper into her mental health issues, but eventually did get in. and then she had challenging classes and didnt have a great support system, and she ended up failing out of many of her classes, to the point where she got put on academic probation. so she took a year off, got a job at a daycare, and I have literally never seen her happier or more well-adjusted. shes going back to school now, for early childhood education, and working part time at the daycare while she takes a light course load at school

another story for you - my aunt graduated high school and went straight into the workforce. she came from a dirt-poor family and couldn't afford it. she bounced around a bit, but eventually found company that she worked well with. they paid for her to go to school, and she finally got a degree many years after what we would consider "traditional". she had a few other jobs, but shes been at her current company now going on 20 years, has been through several promotions, and works directly with a c-suite employee. she is also the only woman in her office, a very traditional trucking company where she works with engineers on a daily basis

there are many paths to education, if that's where you want to go, and it's okay if it ends up looking different from the traditional path were told to follow. do what you can to avoid sacrificing your mental health for an education - if its what you want, you will get there. and remember to ask for help along the way!! I hope that helps a little, dear

[sellingmysoulforbts]

You're having second thoughts about your career choice. BTS x Reader Reaction

Genre: mild angst, fluff. College AU. Gender neutral.

Warnings: strong language, self degradation.

as requested by @erraticsoul

A/N: I just wanna say that it is okay to change your career path. You're really young when you are forced to choose what you want to do for the rest of your life and we sometimes make mistakes. The most important thing is that you are happy.

Kim Seokjin

He was there for you, every single time you needed that extra support. This madness began when you started having trouble with some of the subjects that you had to take in college. Thoughts like 'how can I become a professional if I can't solve this simple exercise?' clouded your brain. Jin came on time only to find you crying over your homework.

"Tell me, how am I supposed to do this my entire life?"

"By giving your best, like I know you do, and if that's not enough then it's probably not what you should be doing" he would answer.

Then he proceeded to tell you one of his terrible jokes about the subject your having trouble with. Like if you weren't having it with chemistry he'd go "hey, are you made of copper and tellurium? 'Cause you're CuTe" and if that didn't work, he'd always come to you with a new plate he's made in class because he definitely a culinary arts major.

Min Yoongi

He was confused, like he didn't get how you felt at all. Since he was really young he new what his goals were and started working really hard to achieve them. You, on the other hand, have thought about every single career path, none of them seemed to completely fulfill you. Like you went from wanting to be a model to a rocket scientist in the span of two months, so you knew as soon as you filled that application form to enter college, with whatever career you had landed eyes on at the moment you weren't going to stick to it. Yoongi would try so hard to help you find something you like and would like doing for the rest of your life, just like he did.

"Okay, how about being a teacher?" He suggested one time.

"But I'll have to know the subject first, so what can I teach?"

"Never mind" he said.

He would just enroll you in a bunch of classes that have nothing to do with your current major, just to see if you'd like any of it.

Wanting to become a producer was his lifelong dream, the feeling he got every time he got a step closer was something Yoongi wanted you to experience as well, so he'd never give up on you.

Jung Hoseok

He would be the one to notice and call you out on it. Hobi was a dance major, so he had practice almost every day and you'd come, even if it was late or skip classes to see him. At first he didn't think much about it, and he appreciated the effort you were putting into the relationship, but then you stopped coming like once a week or just skipping a class to have lunch together and began coming like three times a week, and he would see you around campus with friends when he knew you had class.

"Hey, I saw you today walking out of campus" he said one day, after he was done with practice and you were still there.

"Oh, really? I didn't see you, I'd have said hi. At what time did you see me?"

"While you were supposed to be in class" he answered, trying not to sound mad.

"Yeah, the professor cancelled it last minute, so I didn't really have time to tell you" you genuinely thought he was jealous because you were hanging out with boys, but he wasn't. You'd you really be here so late if you were cheating on him? No, and he knew you would never, but he was concerned.

"And has he cancelled classes all week, and last one?" He inquired.

His tone gave away he was implying that you had been skipping class for the whole month.

"No" you answered softly.

"Is everything okay?"

"No" you answered again. He took your hands as a way to show you his support. "Why?" "I just don't feel happy anymore, like when I first got in I was so sure this was what I wanted and now I find it hard and I'm really stressed. I've been looking for other career options and I might change majors so I guess I lost interest and just stopped making an effort to pass" you shrugged, he kissed your hands.

"It's okay. We're still very young and I want you to do something that makes you happy"

Kim Namjoon

You. Felt. Dumb. You were having such a hard time in some classes, and not understanding anything your teacher said. At first you just worked a little harder and visited your professor to ask some questions, but seeing your classmates getting good grades or putting a minimum effort to understand, made you feel out of place and dumb, like actually stupid. Namjoon was an extremely intelligent human being, and that's no secret. He was an English major, and an outstanding student.

He was going to surprise you, you had been busy all week with schoolwork and he knew how hard you worked so he gave you your space, but it was Friday and he missed you like crazy. He didn't expect, when he walked into your apartment, to see you crying over your homework. Like actually balling your eyes out. Your brain was so chemically imbalanced at the moment that you barely felt arms wrapping around your sobbing form.

He managed to calm you down a little bit, and finally asked what's wrong.

"I can't do it Namjoon, I actually am incapable of doing it. I'm just a stupid piece of shit who can't even solve her homework. Why am I even trying at this point? I'm going to fail because my brain does not have the capacity to understand this subject" you basically yelled out and broke down crying again. He was so pained to see you like that and hearing that horrible things from your mouth broke his heart.

"Shh, don't say that baby, you are not dumb" "of course you'd say that, mister my IQ is 148, I only get As with minimum effort. I've being working on this thing for a week. A WEEK, and I can't do it. My teacher is sick of me for going every single day to ask him something." You were getting angry at this point, not with him but with yourself. Maybe throw in your parents as well for making you this way, but not at him, never at him, even though your words proved otherwise.

"Baby, look at me." He said. You shook your head embarrassed at your attitude.

He squatted right in front of you and took your face in his hands, dried your tears and smiled.

"You are not dumb, not because you have to work a little harder does it mean you're less capable of doing something. Besides, you're so far from stupid. When I look at you I see a wonderful human being, smart and kind, and that's what I love about you. Your perspective on the world, and your unique way of understanding things." He told with a sincere voice and that made you smile a little. "Also, I do put effort into my work but I like what I do so much that I doesn't feel like it, now tell me, do you like what you're doing?" He asked. " I don't know anymore" "okay how about this? Let's take a break right now, we go grab something to eat, we get back, cuddle, watch a movie. Just relax and not think about college for a while. And we can discuss this in the morning with a fresh mind."

Park Jimin

He was mostly sad, you didn't choose this for yourself, it was your parents dream. He would just try and comfort you, by hugging you and whispering words of encouragement. You were sad, angry and scared. You couldn't do what you wanted because your parents didn't support you but you also didn't want to disappoint them.

"I'm so sick of this Jimin, I don't think I can keep doing this." You said one day, you had to study for your upcoming tests but finding motivation was hard.

He couldn't fully comprehend your dilemma, his parents were super supportive.

"I know baby, but the semester is almost over."

"And then comes the next, and one after that, and on and on, not to mention the years ahead of me of working in this" you wanted to cry, just let out your frustration.

"Hey, how about, you start taking classes for what you really want, until you build up the courage to talk to them." He suggested. "I don't know I'm so scared." Your voice broke a little. His caring instincts kicking in immediately, so he hugged you. "It okay, I'm sure what they want is for you to be happy and have a safe future financially, that's why you're here, but you can prove to them that you'll succeed doing whatever you want, and I'm here to support you every step of the way. I believe in you, and besides I'm quite thankful to your parents for picking that for you or we might have never met."

"You're right" and with him by your side you had the motivation you needed.  

Kim Taehyung

It was hard, Tae, your boyfriend, always seemed to have more free time, and enjoy his college experience way more than you did. He was one of the few things you were grateful for, during your time in college. The little study dates you had were like the only way to get you to open a book, and they were a 2x1 deal for him. Taehyung was an art history student and it required to read a lot so he could do his school work and spend time with you. You weren't irresponsible or anything but you started to wonder if you chose your career right, because the lack of motivation was really dragging you down. You were in the coffee shop you usually went with Taehyung to study just contemplating how you wanted your life to look in ten years, when he came.

"Hey" he said. "Hi" you answered still a little distraught. "Did you order?" You nodded in response. "Is everything o-" he started but you soon interrupted him "how did you know what you wanted to study?" "well my school took us to a museum for a school trip once, and I was fascinated by the art, but also intrigued as to what led the painters to do such masterpieces and I guess I got hooked on that. Why?" "I'm just not sure with what I'm doing,I never had a revelation moment so I just went with what sounded the least unpleasant at the moment" "Well how about we finish here and we can go find some counselling for you?" "You think I should change majors?" "Baby, when was the last time you felt happy and satisfied with your work and what you learned?" He asked and you grew quiet at that. "Exactly. What you do for the rest of your life has to be something that you enjoy and you're clearly not enjoying this." So you did just that, found help to discover what makes you happy.

Jeon Jungkook

I mean he would be kinda disappointed that you didn't told him first thing and that he had to discover it for himself. You were thinking and rethinking if you had made the right choice, so you turned yourself into a little help from the internet, trying thing from quizzes all the way to astrological birth charts, of course when he wasn't around.

As you were spending the weekend together doing homework and watching movies, he stumbled upon a word he didn't quite know the meaning of. He was studying animation, and taking classes for film production, but he was trying to do some homework for an English class.

"Babe, can I use your phone real quick? Mine ran out of battery" he asked. "Sure, what for?" "I just want to Google this word" he said and have you that bunny smile, you handed him the phone unblocked, not worrying in the slightest. He got it,and quickly clicked on the  navigator, as he was about to type he peeked at your search history, things like 'how to choose your major', 'how do I know if I made the right decision','best careers based on your zodiac sign' that last one made him chuckle but he was generally preoccupied, because something was definitely wrong. He made a mental note to talk to you about it. Jungkook quickly made the research and completed his task. He then approached you, to give it back to you. You were just in the couch reading something, as he handed you the phone with a smile you sensed something off. "So, what's the best career for a virgo?" He wondered. It took a minute for it to click. "Kook…" you trailed of, not sure as to what to say. He sat down next to you. "Why wouldn't you tell me?" "I just- I was.. am so confused. I believe I chose what I did for a reason but now I'm not so sure and it been going on for a while. I guess I didn't want to bother you with stupid problems like that." You told him. He just shook his head. "That's why I am your boyfriend, so you can come to me with whatever is bothering you and we can fix it together cause we're a team, and it works the other way around too." "You're right, sorry" "It's okay, but promise me you will from now on" " I will, I promise" you smiled at him and he answered back "now that that's out of the way, let's find your perfect major" and with a kiss on your cheek, you then proceed to go through a lot of lists and quizzes a lot of websites suggested, together.

~~

a/n: I’m so sorry this took so long but the scenario really hit home and I got distracted, anyways i hope you enjoy it and like it. 

gifs not mine

[vidavalor]

This popped up on my homepage and you know, your next of kin talk is making me think of medical proxies and wondering if Sam and Bucky have actually been one another's for awhile now. People in high-risk situations like military, police officers, firefighters, spies, etc. sometimes have a medical proxy listed so that if something happens to them and they're injured or unable to make their own medical or quality of life decisions and stuff, the medical proxy is someone who has agreed to do so and signed a paper ahead of time agreeing to do that. Some people do it if the person who would normally be seen as their next of kin is someone they actually don't want to make those decisions-- maybe because there's a disagreement (say, on the idea of whether or not to pull a plug in certain scenarios or something) but also usually just because they don't want to burden that person with having to make those decisions.

Sarah is technically Sam's next of kin because she's his closest living relative but Sam well could have decided that he didn't want to burden Sarah with making decisions if he was injured, maybe especially after what she went through with having lost her husband and their parents, especially their dad who seemed to die when they were both young adults. (Possibly also their brother as well.) He also does classified consulting work overseas for the military and Bucky is the person he's closest to who also has a degree of classified access because he's been doing something similar. A lot of soldiers sometimes have a fellow soldier listed as a medical proxy for situations that can't be fully explained to family members who lack security clearance so it wouldn't be unheard of if Sam and Bucky had actually signed papers to be one another's medical proxies in case of emergency.

Another motivation for Bucky to do this would be the fact that technically, he does have next of kin as well. He mentions a sister in the present tense as being still alive in TFATWS, though it's not clear that Bucky has actually been in contact with her. (I'd say it actually is probable that he has not.) Bucky's sister would be, at minimum, in her late 90s by TFATWS, if not closer to 100 years old. While technically any medical staff with a brain would be a bit hesitant to accept the medical decisions of someone who was that old, they might not have a choice, legally. Bucky's sister could still be pretty sharp but everyone has some degree of cognitive decline if they live to be nearly a century without being frozen half the time and if Bucky hasn't contacted his sister, then he also really isn't going to want her to find out what's happened to him when a hospital contacts her because he's been injured. He's probably been staying away because she's older and confused and he doesn't want to show up, looking barely older than he did when he went off to war, and kill her with a heart attack or something. He probably asked Sam to be his medical proxy instead and Sam would agree without hesitation.

I wonder even if Bucky put Sam's name down on papers in Wakanda. Steve was very much not comfortable with being in that clinic and near a cryocoffin thing again and I don't think that Bucky wanted to give him the responsibility of making any decisions should something go wrong while Bucky was frozen in that thing. It would seem like too much to ask. I'd be willing to bet that he knew Steve was going to go get Sam and Sam would be okay so he wrote Sam's name down as an emergency contact.

Oh and you know what else you all just made me consider? Dr. Raynor. Bucky technically is getting one form of healthcare on the regular in TFATWS since he's seeing a therapist, even if she's been issued to him on condition of his pardon more than someone he chose for himself. Dr. Raynor knows about Sam but what she was told versus what she assumes is kind of played for laughs but also a thing in the series. It's extremely doubtful that Bucky, whose scenes with Raynor illustrate that he doesn't really trust her, would spend any time whatsoever discussing with her any feelings that he has for Sam that are anything other than that they're friends. Raynor is a government psychiatrist who reports on his state of mind to his employers and Bucky is a closeted soldier from the 1940s. Telling Raynor that he's in love with Sam-- hell, telling Raynor that he is anything but straight-- is not something that happened. Yet, Raynor knows who Sam is and that he's important to Bucky and while she's unprofessional in her approach in the police station, she's not kidding when she turns their session into a couple's session and treats them as such. (Also, neither actually deny that they are one and later on, in Episode 5, when they joke-but-it's-not-really-a-joke about trying to define their relationship, using callback words to other scenes like 'partners', where they land with it is Sam's "we're a *couple* of guys" and Bucky agreeing with that. The only other use of 'couple' in TFATWS is Raynor treating them as one.)

Why do I bring this up? Because if you go to therapy, even government-issued therapy, you have to list an emergency contact in the first session, just like if you seek medical treatment for physical problems. It's for multiple reasons but the long and short of it is that they need to know that you have someone who can look after you should something go wrong-- you have a bad reaction to medication while you and the therapist are working out a dosage or you have a resource if you have issues like panic attacks. It's mainly for liability purposes but you have to do it and given that Bucky starts therapy after Endgame-- so there's not even the option of listing Steve, though I'm not sure that he would have anyway-- basically the only person Bucky would feel comfortable listing would be Sam.

This could explain why Dr. Raynor basically treats Sam as the most stable person in Bucky's life (yes, even she can see that lol) and why she assumes that the guy who really isn't terribly good at hiding that he's not straight in front of her who listed a man he is very close with as his emergency contact-- and a man whom she might have sussed out from Bucky or a Google search is extremely single and does not appear to have a history of romantic interactions with women-- is Bucky's romantic partner. Raynor could understand why, being military and one of them from the 1940s, they probably weren't public about it but it's possible that she just assumed they were, even if they are not at all trying to advertise it. It is also why when she meets Sam at the police station for the first time and Sam is acting in line with how spouses of her clients often are when they first meet her, she views her assessment of the relationship as correct. She's thinking like this guy is Bucky's emergency contact and Bucky's been broody lately and when I took his phone, I saw that he hadn't been responding to his texts so maybe they're breaking up or had a fight he can't tell me about so maybe the best way to break through this b.s. and help them is to treat them like a couple sarcastically when I know that they really are one, so that I don't have to force them to admit that they are, if that's not something they are looking to do publicly. That could be why she calls Sam in, too, and treats it like a couple's session in the first place.

But yeah, I kinda went on a bit there but your next of kin talk made me realize that Bucky is forced to list at least an emergency contact in canon because of going to therapy and that it really has to be Sam by default. That they are both freelancing as military contractors in TFATWS, they probably both have to have listed next of kin/medical proxies and emergency contacts in paperwork and I could see Sam listing Bucky over his sister to save Sarah the pain of that. It's probably another reason why military members with access to their records (John Walker, unfortunately) see them as a package deal and treat them as such. (That and they make sure everyone they come into contact with understands that they are by being an united front in front of everyone else and only arguing with one another away from others, for the most part. A moment or two in front of Zemo aside. All of which is also so incredibly married...)

When we see a shot of Bucky’s dog tags in Cap 4 and they’ve been updated to say NOK: Samuel Wilson what then huh

What then indeed!!! Although, this isn't so unbelievable right? Technically Sam IS the person Bucky is the closest with right? Who knows where Steve is... Anyway, if we see it just let me tell you I will be screaming in the movie theater.

In case anybody was wondering (NOK=Next Of Kin), I didn't know either I had to google it.